The Rise and Fall of the Aztec Empire (and other Meso-American Apocalyptic Tales…)

Please note: the following article was first written in 2012, soon after I started this blog back in college. It is not my best work, and some of the attempts at humor are at times immature at best.

– Erik S.

The Aztec Empire:  1428-1521 

While Europe was busy thinking the world revolved around them, whole civilizations were rising and falling on the other hemisphere of the globe. Among these civilizations were the hardcore, warmongering, face-wrecking, heart-ripping Aztecs! Now the Aztecs were not the first great empire of the Americas, they were just the latest in a series of pyramid-building powers that rose up before the white colonizers drunkenly stumbled on to their shores.

A Long, Long Time Ago, in the Americas… 

The primary theory is that during that last Ice Age, ancient man’s balls shriveled to the point where he got off his stone-aged ass and started building tools in order to hunt Mammoths for their fur. One particular group of Mammoth-jockeys got lost in a Siberian blizzard and ended up taking a wrong turn at the Bering Strait, and somehow ended up in Alaska, where they could see Russia from their Igloos.

A few of these proto-Eskimos settled down here, but some got sick of their junk catching frost bite, so decided to head south. It is presumed that these traveling troupes eventually split up into even more tribes because people got sick of their leaders getting them even more lost than before. Kind of like the last couple seasons of Battlestar Galactica: “Are we there yet? Where are we going again? Whose in charge here!?” This process continued as the nomadic Native American tribes eventually flooded down through Central and South America.

Not all Native American civilizations perpetually camped out in the woods. The Pueblo peoples of the South Western (pre-U.S.) United States built large stone cities like the Mesa Verde in Colorado which was carved into the rock face of a cliff. In Mesoamerica, there were also these really sketchy guys called the Olmec in Central America who existed way back during the Trojan War. The Olmec had a weird fetish with making massive faces out of boulders, and promptly mysteriously disappeared leaving many a scholar to ponder the meaning behind their obsession with over-sized face sculptures.

The Mayans and their Calendars

These dudes were followed up by the Mayans who built these huge-ass stone pyramids just so the gods could see them sacrificing people throughout the Early Middle Ages (specifically the Sixth to the Tenth Century), who then also up and vanished, but not before predicting the end of the world… even though they couldn’t predict their own downfall…

The mysterious Mayan Calendar has become an endless source of debate among superstitious message boarders in the darkest corners of the internet. It was Y2K all over again: hordes of people clearing canned foods off the shelves in preparation for an inevitable nuclear winter… the only problem, they didn’t check their facts, or sources. They’d be better suited preparing for an outbreak of Vampirism, and the fallout of World War Z.

There are countless predictions about the destruction of the human race, and so far they’ve all been completely and totally false. (Nostradamus can suck it!) The information age is overshadowed by an abundance of stupidity. What those folk fail to realize is that even though the calendar ends on December 21^st, 2012 (2:08 PM, Eastern Standard Time) the ancient Mayans didn’t exactly take Leap Years into consideration when they were calculating their countdown to doomsday, which means their predicted apocalypse already came and went with the sound of a cricket playing the saddest violin in existence. While we’re on that note, here’s another thought to consider: maybe the fact that the calendar came to an end, doesn’t actually mean anything, except that it’s time to carve up a new stone calendar for the next millennium.

Yep that totally happened…

Now for some random reason, the Mayans randomly up and left (Chernobyl-style), without leaving so much as a goodbye note, or paying their last month’s rent for that matter. It’s said that the Mayan culture lived on, and would directly influence the formation of both the Incas (of the Andes Mountains in South America) and the Aztec cultures of Mexico, known at the time as “the Mexicas”.

Dawn of an Empire

According to myth, the Mexica people built the city of Tenochtitlán in 1325 after wandering around aimlessly in the desert when the gods sent a message in the completely non-symbolic imagery of an eagle devouring a snake, whilst perched upon a cactus, on a swampy island, in the middle of a lake.

Tenochtitlan was the fourth largest city of the time, right behind Paris, Venice, and Constantinople. This mouth-full-of-a-city was unique in its cutting-edge plumbing/aqueduct-tech, and floating gardens. The Capitol of Mexico, ironically named Mexico City, was built around its ruins. Tenochtitlan was built on Lake Texcoco, which sounds like a deep fried Tex-Mex desert… or a gas station. The name Tenochtitlan roughly translates to “Among the prickly pears [growing among] rocks.”

In 1428, the Aztec Empire was established as the formation of a Triple Alliance between the city-states of the Mexica tribes, and was quite a formidable force that could even give the Spartans a run for their money, in fact I’d love to see the two warriors go at it, in an all-out cage fight to the death. Seriously I would DVR that shit in a heart-beat. Speaking of heart-beats, the Aztecs were really handy at the lost art of removing one’s said vital organs from a living person’s chest cavity. The Aztecs, like the Mayans, ruled with fear, and also had a penchant for ritualistic human sacrifice. Like many war-like empires, the Aztecs tended to conquer and assimilate other cultures into their Borg-like collective of followers.

One thing that kind of sucked for the enemies of these hardcore Mexican-natives was that instead of slaughtering the opposing army, they did their hardest to capture them alive just so they could drag them, kicking and screaming, all the way up the blood-stained-steps of their massive, mountain-sized, sacrificial altars to have their beating hearts ripped out like a Mortal Kombat Fatality, in a systematic sacrifice to the Aztec’s sun-god Huitzilopochtli (all of their gods had completely unpronounceable names). A typical day in the life of an Aztec priest included fountains of crimson that would make the bloodiest scenes in Kill Bill, Battle Royale, and Sin City look like Barney, Mr. Rogers, and the Teletubbies.

Like I said, these guys were hardcore! It’s quite clear that given the right factors, and enough time, the Aztecs may well have eventually conquered the Americas (North and South) before setting their sights on the rest of the world like a world-dominating league of super villains with an army of ninja cyborgs, on motorcycles equipped with flamethrowers.

However, there’s one major disadvantage the Aztecs had to contend with: the lack of firearms, something the Spanish conquistadors had a slight advantage with. Eurasia had a head start on a few things like gunpowder and steel, which was only one minor disadvantage. It turns out, their biggest enemy would prove to be themselves…

The Art of Human Sacrifice

Many have argued over the years why the Aztecs and other American civilizations had more primitive tech than their distant Euro cousins, and many point to the fact that they didn’t have a consistent period of stability like the European kingdoms. Not only that but the topography of Mexico, and South America are far different in comparison to the flat boring plains of England, France, and Spain. Not to mention, European civilization didn’t have the constant nagging fear of being pounced on by a vicious panther / jaguar / bob cat from deep within the jungle. There were many factors keeping them at bay, but perhaps their most significant drawback was their isolation.

In my humble opinion, exposure to the great minds of the Renaissance, and Greek philosophers would have gone a long way to bringing the Aztecs and Incas up to speed with the Brave New World, but alas they were sheltered in the darkness of ignorance and fear of the unknown, where inspiration and curiosity go to die. Perhaps they ended up sacrificing their Plato’s, Da Vincis, and Newton’s?

The Aztecs sacrificing some dude who had the crazy idea of projectile weaponry…

Meanwhile in South America, the Aztec’s distant relatives from the Inca Empire of Peru weren’t quite as blood thirsty, but still had their fair share of human sacrifices during important events, but the Incas were all around a much more peaceful society who lived by the mantra: ‘do not steal, do not lie, do not be lazy’.

An average of 402 human sacrifices a day simply can’t be good for a society. With a population of only 300,000, Tenochtitlan was the site of a staggering 40,000 sacrifices to the Aztec god of war in hopes that their souls would be enough to feed his insatiable hunger, so that he may ward off the coming destruction of their people. I guess it wasn’t enough…

FATALITY!!

The Coming of the Conquistadors

During the terrifying reign of the Aztecs, this total jerk-wad named Columbus* accidentally discovered the Bahamas, and then promptly decided he was going to evict, enslave, and murder the indigenous peoples he found there and claimed that he’d discovered a shortcut to Japan (he hadn’t). Well this led to other Spanish expeditions to confirm his claim, and at some point they realized that they’d discovered a whole new continent.

Hernando Cortés: Conquistador of Mexico

Among these numerous Gold-hunting-expeditions launched from the ports of Spain, was a certain Spanish Conquistador by the elongated moniker of Hernán Cortés de Monroy y Pizarro, 1st Marquis of the Valley of Oaxaca, but in the interest of not losing one’s breathe and passing out, we’ll just call him Cortés. Hernan Cortés was an integral part of ‘Phase One’, a not-so-secret plan to brutally conquer the Americas, and raid them of their riches.

Like Columbus, Cortés was a greedy bastard himself, coupled with a penchant for ballsy shenanigans. For instance, when the Cuban Governor unleashed his emissaries to arrest him, he not only fought back, but won, and then used their own troops as reinforcements! The Spanish King later took Cortes’s side in the matter, and pardoned him of whatever ass-holish antics he was behind. Hernan was also said to be “immoderately addicted to women and to gambling”, which I figure isn’t quite as bad as crack cocaine.

Montezuma (Dos)

On the other side of the fence we’ve got this other guy named Motecuhzoma Xocoyotzin by an obviously dyslexic mother. Moctezuma the Second, or Montezuma II, was the Ninth Ruler of the Aztec Empire, and a total tool. He is often described as an indecisive and weak-willed-coward, but that might just be the bias of the Spanish Invaders. Montezuma’s name in Nahuatl means either “he is one who frowns like a lord”, or “he who is angry in a noble manner.”

A full decade before the Spanish ships appeared off the coast of Mexico, Emperor Montezuma II received a series of increasingly distressing omens that foretold of the destruction of his kingdom. A fiery comet in the sky, the lake flooded, the temple of Huitzilopochtli randomly burst into flames, and a distraught woman appeared in the middle of the night screaming, “My children, we must flee far away from this city!” To make matters worse, a fisherman brought forth a vision of people from a far away land making war against one another while riding on the backs of deer. Suffice it to say, Montezuma was officially freaking the fuck out, and desperately looking for a sign of hope.

In 1519, Cortes and the Spaniards launched their conquest of the Yucatan Peninsula from Cuba. Hernan Cortes arrived with 600 men, and just to make sure they were loyal to him, he sank his own ships! He then flexed his guns and showed off his muskets too. Cortes was the kind of guy that wouldn’t hesitate to demonstrate the firepower of his cannon balls at point blank range.

Meanwhile, the Aztecs (like the Mayans) were a bit preoccupied with the coming apocalypse, and seeing as “the end was nigh” they upped the productivity of their assembly-line sacrifice machine, which is of course a much better use of one’s time and resources when an imposing invasion force is coming to annihilate one’s civilization.

The fate of the Aztec Empire ultimately rested on the shoulders of Cortes and Montezuma….

A Case of Mistaken Identity? 

So how exactly does a legion of badass, feather-wearing, suicidal warriors get owned by an outnumbered group of flamboyant, drunk Spanish sailors, you may ask? Well, allegedly, the Aztecs mistook the Spanish Conquistadors for their gods heralding the end of the world…

Quetzalcoatl – “The Feathered Serpent”

The Spanish Conquistadors landed in Veracruz, ready to tear Mexico a new one – and were instantly showered with gifts from the native tribes along the coast! This was probably pretty awkward, considering the Spanish troops came ready to level the place and were met with about as much resistance as an aerial raid of pretty butterflies! The emissaries of the Aztec Emperor arrived to greet the Spaniards with a couple tons of gold! Cortes and his men were understandably baffled.

You see, according to Aztec mythology, Quetzalcoatl, a deity known as “the Feathered Serpent”, was said to have sailed to the East on a canoe of snakes, and was destined to return bearded and pale… at the end of the world. Essentially the Aztecs somehow got the Spanish Conquistadors mixed up with their prophesized gods coming to save them. So basically, Montezuma mistakenly identified Hernan Cortes as an Aztecian bird-god.

I can only assume that Montezuma figured if Cortes was a god than offerings of shiny treasure should make him happy and he won’t destroy them, on the other hand if Cortes wasn’t a god, than maybe he could bribe him to leave them alone. Although this might be one of the worst cases of mistaken identity ever, they certainly got that whole end of their world part right. As expected, Montezuma’s plan backfired worst than a firework to the face, because the Spanish invasion force did not come in peace.

You see, Cortes could smell a gold nugget from a mile away, and had a tendency to gravitate like a high-powered magnet towards large hordes of shiny metallic Elements with an atomic number of 79 protons per atom. So when the Aztecs showed up with offerings of gold, Cortes assumed that the Aztecs were sitting pretty on a stash the size of Fort Knox (or roughly the equivalent of the amount he needed to pay back Jabba the Hutt). The Spanish Conquistadors abruptly set off on a quest to ascertain the geographic location of the gold’s source, and pinpointed those coordinates like a satellite-guided ballistic missile.

When asked to be taken to their leader (presumably at gun point) the Aztecs gladly led them to the great city of Tenochtitlán. The Conquistadors immediately began marching towards the heart of the Aztec Empire – which was not exactly what Montezuma had in mind. Along the way, the Conquistadors road into the town of Cholula, and left the place a smoldering ruin when they told Hernando Cortes that his precious horde was in another castle, which of course was the wrong answer.

Cortes vs Montezuma

Eventually Cortes met with the tributaries of the Aztecs and demanded that they arrange a meeting with him and their emperor, Montezuma. According to his secretary, Montezuma refused to negotiate with the mad-man / furious bird deity, but Cortes was determined to fit himself into the Aztec emperor’s busy schedule, by force if necessary.

By the time Cortez arrived in Tenochtitlan, Cortes’s notorious reputation had preceded him. Instead of being met with an army defending the island city, the Spanish soldiers were graciously received into the capitol, once again to their utter confusion. Coincidentally he also happened to arrive during a festival that was only held once every 52 years –  and just so happened to be in honor of the Great White God: Quetzalcoatl! This epic fiesta came to a screeching halt, and at the sight of the Spanish Conquistadors, the Aztec people bowed down before Cortes, and began to cheer on the return of their “wise bearded god”. 

Montezuma himself finally made a public appearance and met with this so-called god in human form. Although he was skeptical of Cortes’s divinity, he brought the Spanish troops lavish gifts – just in case they were there to smite them. However instead of satiating their greed, Montezuma only succeeded in fanning the flames of their salivating appetites for endless avarice. When Montezuma asked if Cortes really was Quetzalcoatl, Hernando muffled a laugh, shrugged, and said something like “Uh, yeah, sure.” 

Montezuma gave him the benefit of the doubt, and replied in a prepared speech, which may, or may not have been mistranslated by the biased Spanish journalists: “You have graciously come on earth, you have graciously approached your water, your high place of Mexico, you have come down to your mat, your throne, which I have briefly kept for you, I who used to keep it for you […] You have graciously arrived, you have known pain, you have known weariness, now come on earth, take your rest, enter into your palace, rest your limbs; may our lords come on earth.”

Cortes fully utilized their gullibility to his advantage, taking charge, demanding tribute, and ordered his subjects to tear down their statues to be replaced with Roman Catholic Saints. Not long after this, Cortes got word from the coast that the back-stabbing Aztecs had betrayed their truce, and slaughtered their men. Cortes decided to pull a Hans Gruber and began taking hostages, including Emperor Montezuma II himself. 

Shit hits the fan.

Now the Spanish were surrounded by angry Aztecs holed up in Montezuma’s palace, so Cortes grabbed the cowering ruler, and held him hostage. He forced the Emperor to order his loyal guard to throw down their weapons and surrender. When they complied, Cortes had them burned alive! Over the next several months, the Spanish soldiers maintained control over the Aztecs by keeping Montezuma captive and installing a puppet government in his absence. 

When Cortes returned to the capitol the following year, in 1520, he found the entire city brimming with chaos! He’d been away dealing with some insurrection elsewhere only to come back and find that his men had stirred up some trouble, and he was forced to bail them out once again. Cortes fought his way through the madness, and led his forces into a full-fledged retreat.

Cortes and his men hauling ass

During their desperate escape, only one fourth of the Conquistadors made it out alive. More than a few of them drowned as they attempted to haul out more gold than a treasure ship could hold, while others were captured. Turns out, the ones who drowned were the lucky ones, because the thoroughly pissed Aztecs let their greedy Spanish captives drink all the molten liquid gold that they craved!

During the Aztec riot, the captive Montezuma was killed by his own people’s revolt! According to one chronicler, he was struck by a stone from the rebellious crowd as he attempted to quell the masses. Shortly after, Cuitláhuac became emperor while Cortes and his posse retreated to Tlaxcala where they licked their wounds. It was there that they made an alliance, teaming up with a few disgruntled tribes who’d been screwed over the Aztecs, and were looking to overthrow them, once and for all.

The Siege of Tenochtitlán

In 1521, the Spanish Conquistadors returned with reinforcements, and laid siege to the city of Tenochtitlán. The siege lasted for 80 days! The Aztec warriors fought ferociously, but were no match for their enemy’s advanced weaponry. It all came to an end that August, when the last Aztec Emperor surrendered and was summarily executed.

Cortés subsequently directed the systematic destruction and leveling of the once great city. The Spanish eventually built Mexico City over its ashes, destroying priceless artifacts and history in the process, while the remaining Aztecs either died of smallpox, or were forced to convert to Catholicism. With the fall of the once mighty Aztec Empire, Spain had become one of the most powerful nations in the world, overnight.

Although he was hailed as a hero during his time, through a modern lens Hernan Cortés was the embodiment of everything wrong with the Age of Colonialism, and left a legacy of blood and tragedy in his wake. Motivated by greed, Cortés exploited indigenous peoples, utilizing brutal, inhumane tactics and deception against a weaker opponent, and caused the willful destruction of an entire culture, now lost to history…

If only Montezuma hadn’t been so trusting of strangers, who knows what kind of world we might be living in today?

                                                                                         Erik Slader