The French Revolution
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"A History of EPiK FAILs"
August 15, 2013
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The Pyramids of Giza

So there aren’t actually *just* 7 “Wonders of the World”. You have the 7 *Modern* Wonders of the Industrial World (the Golden Gate Bridge, Empire State Building, Hoover Dam, etc), and the 7 *Natural* Wonders of the World, not to mention several sites that claim to be the Lost EIGHTH Wonder of the World, but today I’ll be focusing on the Seven ANCIENT Wonders of the World! 

However, the funny (sad?) thing about these Seven Ancient Wonders is that only ONE of them is still around today…

Ready for a time-traveling tour de force? Your temporal-hopping tour guide is here! We here at “Epik Fails of History” would like to remind everyone that experiencing history does not mean changing it (I’m looking at you Ramses). Please keep all appendages within the Tardis at all times.  No flash photography. Enjoy your stay!

The Great Pyramids of Giza

The Ancient Egyptian Pyramids (outside of Cairo, Egypt) are truly a stunning sight to behold!

The Great Pyramids of Giza

The Great Pyramids of Giza are *at least* 4,000 years old (possibly way older according to some). The largest of the three Great Pyramids, “Khufu”, is almost 500 feet tall, made up of 2.3 million(!) massive stone blocks weighing in at 2.5 tons each. The Great Sphinx was carved out of the remaining limestone that had been used for Khufu’s pyramid into a gigantic lion with the Pharaoh’s face. The nose and beard of the Sphinx have since been lobbed off by ancient vandals. (There’s even a rumor that Napoleon might’ve been responsible!)

Contrary to popular belief, the pyramids were not built by slaves (or aliens… probably), rather they were constructed by very skilled workers, who were compelled to please their Pharaohs / gods. In fact, we still aren’t entirely sure how they managed to build them with such precision using the tools of their time! Experts say that they were once plated in smooth white limestone (and possibly even gold) – that is until the “New Kingdom” collapsed and bandits immediately looted everything before selling their plunder on Ebay.

There are still a lot of mysteries surrounding the pyramids and their purpose. Although the commonly accepted narrative is that they were used as tombs for the Pharaohs, no mummies have actually been found inside of them, because *everything* was looted by tomb raiders long before scientists began seriously investigating them. One of the most amazing things about these ancient wonders is that each of the Giza pyramids align perfectly with the cardinal directions and it’s speculated that they may have even had some kind of astronomical significance – although that is heavily debated among archeologists. In fact, there are still hidden chambers within the Great Pyramids that have yet to be uncovered!

Some are now claiming that they may actually be far older than originally thought, perhaps even dating back to the last Ice Age – when the region was a dense jungle! If this is one day proven to be the case, it may rewrite our current understanding of the ancient world…

For more on Ancient Egypt, click here for 11 Famous Pharaohs, or Creation Myths – Part 2 for some Egyptian mythology!

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon

16th Century Painting of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon, being photobombed by the Tower of Babel…

Stressed out? Need a vacation? If you happen to be Ancient Babylonian royalty, then come on down to The Hanging Gardens of Babylon! Baghdad’s prime destination to live like the Assyrian Queen (or King) you are! Lounge endlessly at our glorious private estate atop our vaulted terraces. A mythical oasis in the Iraqi desert, this romantic getaway was constructed by the Biblical King Nebuchadnezzar himself for his queen, Amuhia in 600 BCE.

The Statue of Zeus

A 40 foot tall statue of the lightning slinging deity from the 5th Century BCE, built by Phidias out of Gold and Ivory, in Olympia, Greece.

Depiction of The Statue of Zeus

The Temple of Artemis

Temple of Artemis ruins

The Temple of Artemis… or what’s left…

This (once) beautiful marble structure in Ephesus (Turkey) was dedicated to the Greek goddess, Diana. The temple was leveled by the invading Goths in 262 CE.

The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus

The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus


ruins at halicarnassus


The Colossus at Rhodes

The Colossus at Rhodes

The pretentious douche version of the Statue of Liberty

In the Aegean Sea ancient sailors would gaze up at the colossal, 105 foot tall, nude statue of Helios (Apollo) as they passed under his monumental schlong. This absurdly massive architectural undertaking took 12 years, 13 tons of bronze and a whopping 7 tons of iron! It lasted 65 years until an earthquake (in 225 BCE) decided to ruin someone’s day by having a Galactus-sized naked sun god collapse on them…

The Pharos of Alexandria

Alexander the Great was so in love with himself that he had 17 cities named after him, which made geography really confusing for students in Macedonia. Off the coast of Egypt was one such originally titled town of Alexandria. Ptolemy finished construction of this port town after Alexander’s untimely demise.

Pharos of Alexandria

The crown jewel of Egypt’s Alexandria was its ginormous lighthouse on the island of Pharos. This architectural marvel of the ancient world stood the test of time, even facing down a Mediterranean tsunami, well that is at least until an earthquake 1500 years later finally took its toll and in 1375 the thing collapsed like a card castle… made of sand.

To be continued in 8 MORE WONDERS OF THE WORLD

                                                                  Erik Slader

Megaman lost in the Mushroom kingdom, scratching his head, looking at a map, 'where the hell did you take us?'Hope you enjoyed this edition of “Epik Fails!”, if you have any comments, questions, concerns, or suggestions let me know in the comments below! Also, be sure to ’Like’ EPiK FAILs on Facebook! (, and SHARE IT with your friends!

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—————————– > Click for a Complete List of Essays on Historical Failure!!


Erik Slader
Erik Slader
Erik Slader is the creator of “Epik Fails of History” a blog (and podcast) about the most epic fails… of history. With Ben Thompson, Erik is the co-author of the Epic Fails book series. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Digital Media, once managed a comic book shop, has a weakness for fancy coffee and currently lives in Green Cove Springs, Florida with too many cats.


  1. […] on an architectural edition of “EPiK FAILs” we covered ‘The Seven Ancient Wonders of the World’, 6 of which no longer exist for various reasons (with the notable exception being the Great […]



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