There aren’t actually just Seven Wonders of the World. There are the 7 Modern Wonders of the Industrial World (Golden Gate Bridge, Empire State Building, Hoover Dam, etc), and 7 Natural Wonders of the World, not to mention several sites that claim to be the Lost EIGHTH Wonder of the World. Today I’ll be focusing on the Seven ANCIENT Wonders of the World.
The Hilarious thing about these Seven Ancient Wonders is that only ONE of them is still around today…
Ready for a time-traveling tour de force? Your temporal-hopping tour guide is here! We here at “Epik FAILs” would like to remind everyone that experiencing history does not mean making it (I’m looking at you Ramses). Please keep all appendages within the Tardis at all times. No flash photography.
Enjoy your stay!
The Great Pyramids of Giza
The Ancient Egyptian Pyramids (outside of Cairo) are truly a stunning sight to behold. Contrary to popular belief, the pyramids were not built by slaves (or aliens), rather they were constructed by very skilled workers, who were compelled to please their Pharaohs / gods. Some say that the pyramids were once plated in gold, until the New Kingdom collapsed and bandits sold their plunder on Ebay. The largest of the three Great Pyramids, Khufu, is almost 500 feet tall, made up of 2,300,000 massive stone blocks weighing in at 2.5 tons each. The Great Sphinx was carved out of the remaining limestone that had been used for Khufu’s pyramid into a gigantic lion with the Pharaoh’s face. The nose and beard of the Sphinx have since been lobbed off by ancient vandals.
The Hanging Gardens of Babylon
Stressed out? Need a vacation? If you happen to be Ancient Babylonian royalty then come on down to The Hanging Gardens of Babylon! Baghdad’s prime destination to live like the Assyrian Queen (or King) you are. Lounge endlessly at our glorious private estate atop our vaulted terraces. A mythical oasis in the Iraqi desert, this romantic getaway was constructed by the Biblical King Nebuchadnezzar himself for his queen, Amuhia in 600 BCE.
The Statue of Zeus
A 40 foot tall statue of the lightning slinging deity from the 5th Century BCE, built by Phidias out of Gold and Ivory, in Olympia, Greece.
The Temple of Artemis
This (once) beautiful marble structure in Ephesus (Turkey) was dedicated to the Greek goddess, Diana. The temple was leveled by the invading Goths in 262 CE.
The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus
The Colossus at Rhodes
In the Aegean Sea ancient sailors would gaze up at the colossal, 105 foot tall, nude statue of Helios (Apollo) as they passed under his monumental schlong. This absurdly massive architectural undertaking took 12 years, 13 tons of bronze and a whopping 7 tons of iron! It lasted 65 years until an earthquake (in 225 BCE) decided to ruin someone’s day by having a galactus-sized naked sun god collapse on them.
The Pharos of Alexandria
Alexander the Great was so in love with himself that he had 17 cities named after him, which made geography really confusing for students in Macedonia. Off the coast of Egypt was one such originally titled town of Alexandria. Ptolemy finished construction of this port town after Alexander’s untimely demise.
The crown jewel of Egypt’s Alexandria was its ginormous lighthouse on the island of Pharos. This architectural marvel of the ancient world stood the test of time, even facing down a Mediterranean tsunami, well that is at least until an earthquake 1500 years later finally took its toll and in 1375 the thing collapsed like a card castle… made of sand.
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