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EMPEROR NERO: Worst-Approval-Ratings-Ever!

Emperor Nero

54-68 CE: The Reign of the Roman Emperor NERO

Nero, as in the Roman Emperor, not to be confused with the renegade Romulan…

NERO

Nero Claudius Caesar Drusus Germanicus was born in 37 CE, and became emperor at the ripe age of 17 when his conspiring mother, Agrippina, poisoned Claudius and manipulated her son’s rise to power. Nero was a self-proclaimed poet, athlete, singer/actor/playwright, and a total psychopathic bastard of the highest order.

Emperor Nero would go down in history as one of the worst rulers of history, right up there with King John and Ivan the Terrible. This ruthless asshole ruled from AD 54 till he committed suicide in 68 after he was declared Enemy of the State, while everyone in the empire grabbed their torches and pitchforks. How does one accrue such blatant hatred over the course of a 14 year period?

No other ruler could hope to match Nero’s level of self indulgence, cruelty, and sheer douchebagary.

Think Joffrey from ‘A Game of Thrones’ but in ‘Spartacus: Blood and Sand’ instead…

CALIGULA REDUX

Nero was quite possibly the worst of the notorious Roman Emperors, which is really saying something. He was malicious and sadistic, and just like his cuckoo predecessor Caligula he had a Hit-List longer than Santa’s Naughty List, which consisted mostly of people who didn’t even realize they had accidentally insulted him. Nero enjoyed sawing people in half, and routinely had those close to him executed for fear of betrayal, killing any and everyone who dissented. When he was accused of treason, he had the accusers executed.

The selfish prick even had his own mother murdered! After a few unsuccessful attempts to off his overbearing mom, including a sabotaged boat, he eventually stopped trying to be sneaky about it, and just had her stabbed.  He then had his nagging wife assassinated so he could marry his mistress, Sabina, whom he later kicked to death while she was pregnant. His third fling was with an adolescent boy whom he had castrated.

A side view of Nero's sculpture

A sculpture of Nero's faceWhat’s perhaps worse than his tendency to kill off everyone in his family tree though is his cruel and unusual form of insanity: Nero fancied himself a patron of the arts.

He wrote and performed in his own plays and concerts to which he forced his subjects to attend …or else. Nero’s wretched ‘performances’ lasted for HOURS… Those that attempted to leave were either escorted back to their seats or stabbed to death by Praetorian Guards. As a result several women gave birth during these atrocious displays of self-indulgence.

As you can imagine, Nero didn’t take constructive criticism too kindly. With no American Idol judges to kick him off the stage, many a Roman citizen chose death over the slow and painful torture of hearing Nero’s dreaded singing voice. Nero followed in his Uncle Caligula’s crazy footsteps, and spent more time causing problems than fixing them. Most of Rome was forced to play along in fear of the consequences. This one time Nero even competed in the Olympic Games and (to everyone’s ‘surprise’) he won every last event that he participated in.

Have you seen this man? If so you’re in Hell…

THE INFERNO!

In 64′, The Great Fire of Rome swept through the Roman capitol and decimated acres of homes, costing countless lives and an absurd amount of property damage. It is said that while the raging fire burned the city to the ground, Emperor Nero played the lyre and watched the fireworks from atop a hill, fiddling to his own lyrics while the capitol was engulfed in flames.

There’s evidence to suggest that the Roman Emperor had in fact committed the grand arson himself. The next day, to add insult to injury, he immediately ordered a new palace, the Domus Aurea, constructed on the ashes of the fallen city. This palatial garden estate was somewhere between 100 and 300 acres: Nero’s thoughtful gift …to himself.

What could be worse than burning down your own city to make way for a mansion the size of a shopping mall while you rejoice in the suffering of thousands? Blaming it on someone else.

Nero not only did just that, but he decided to pin the blame on the entire religion of Christianity itself!

“Sire, should we maybe put out this fire?”
“Shut up, I’m practicing my chords…”

THE ANTI-CHRIST?

Emperor Nero often used the ‘Christian cult’ as an excuse for his own incompetence, singling them out as a scapegoat to distract the masses from the city’s problems. Nero nearly managed to exterminate Christians entirely, usually by feeding them to his pet lions. He may have chosen Christianity because they were an easily targeted minority, and the ‘peace-loving hippies’ of the Roman Empire boycotted his notoriously bloody public executions. It is believed that both the disciple Peter and the Apostle Paul were both victims of these completely horrific persecutions.

Nero painting

There’s no denying, this dude was straight up EVIL!

When in Rome, do as the Gladiators do!

He was even known for having captured Christians burned at night for a source of illumination in his gardens. He reveled in the smell of burning flesh, and even wrote poetry about death and mutilation. It’s really no surprise that the heavily persecuted Christians in hiding came up with a code word referring to their mad ruler, the mark of the beast, also known as 666 (his numerical name in the Hebrew alphabet), a direct reference to Emperor Nero himself.

That’s right, believe it or not, Nero was in fact the original Anti-Christ. That’s pretty bad, if an entire religion considers you to be the pure embodiment of evil. Regardless of how he is remembered, Nero considered himself an artist above all else, perhaps he was an ironic artist who painted with blood and suffering.

Hmm, reminds me of another sadistic dictator…

FALL OF THE COLOSSUS

The pompous bastard even had the nerve to construct a huge-ass, 60 foot-tall, butt-naked, gold statue built of himself as Apollo, the Sun God of both Greek and Roman mythology… If that wasn’t enough, after murdering his family, burning Rome to the ground, killing thousands of innocent people, and blaming Christianity, this matricidal tyrant then went on to heavily tax the citizens of the Empire to pay for his ginormous gold-plated statue to go in front of his ridonkulous gold-plated palace.

Seriously, both Dr. Doom and Mr. Freeze would be like, “Damn son! That’s cold.”

Nero was a monster in every sense. I have no doubt the Roman deities would have been appalled by such a lack of morality and human compassion. Very few sources paint Nero in an even marginally favorable light. The people of Rome despised him by the end of his tyrannical reign of terror.

Suffice it to say, Nero was nuttier than an industrial sized tub of extra crunchy peanut butter.

“I want a giant fucking statue made of pure gold with my face and I want it now Dammit! Because I said so!”

Eventually, his absurd taxation sufficiently caused the populations of the numerous provinces to turn against him. Each year he murdered more and more conspirators and distrusting Senators. An army of thousands was raised against him.

Several Legions joined the revolt and proclaimed General Galba as his successor. Even his guards abandoned him when the Senate declared him a public enemy. He fled like a bitch to his private villa where he dug his own grave and promptly took his own life. Nero was the last of the Julio-Claudian line.

After his death, the people of Rome destroyed his palace and in its ruins constructed a monumental amphitheater that held 50,000 people with 80 entrances and exits. This massive arena became known as the Coliseum, named after the colossal golden statue of Nero at its entrance. The gladiator games that were fought within its walls for centuries after echoed the bloody legacy of NERO!

Now I need a shower… (preferably not in blood)

                                                                                    Erik Slader

Hope you enjoyed this edition of “Epik Fails!”, if you have any comments, questions, concerns, or suggestions let me know in the comments below! Also, be sure to ‘Like’ EPiK FAILs on Facebook! (www.Facebook.com/EpikFails), and SHARE IT with your friends!

Top 5 Worst Roman Emperors!

THE HUNDRED YEARS WAR!?

World War One: The ‘Great’ War

TALES FROM UNDER THE IRON FIST OF STALIN!!!

Patreon

——————–Sources:

http://listverse.com/2010/05/09/top-10-worst-roman-emperors/

“The Book of Ancient Bastards” by: Brian Thornton”

“Nero: The End of a Dynasty” by: Miriam T. Griffin

“The Great Fire of Rome” by Stephen Dando-Collins

“The Annals: The Reigns of Tiberius, Claudius, and Nero” by Cornelius Tacitus

“The Most Evil Men in History: Nero” (documentary)

———–Click for a Complete List of Essays on Historical Failure!!

Erik Slader
Erik Slader
Erik Slader is a blogger, barista, web tech, digital artist, gamer, comic book aficionado, and history buff. Creator of “Epik Fails of History” and writer for SuperheroBeach.com

27 Comments

  1. erikslader says:

    You’re most welcome! Make sure to subscribe. I fully intend to expose the great fails of history, and there’s plenty more where that came from! 😉

  2. […] —–Click Here For: EMPEROR NERO!! […]

  3. […] to the Greek / Roman deity Apollo, to avoid suspicion among their peers. During the reign of EMPEROR NERO they were relentlessly persecuted to the point where they nicknamed Nero the Anti-Christ. They […]

  4. casino says:

    Cannot wait to see what else you come up with, i really enjoyed it!

  5. ErikSlader says:

    Reblogged this on EPiK FAILs!! and commented:

    You think politicians today are bad…?

  6. […] and the Maginot Line, you may not have even heard of. In addition to brutal despots (such as: Emperor Nero, Ramses II, King John, and Ivan the Terrible), I’ll also be tackling historical icons / […]

  7. […] is much more deserving of the low-ranking title: THE EMBODIMENT OF PURE EVIL!! (right alongside Roman Emperor Nero, Vlad the Impaler, Ivan the Terrible, and of course The one and only Stay-Puft Marshmallow-Man). Of […]

  8. […] Worst-Approval-Ratings-Ever! – EMPEROR NERO (and Caligula too) […]

  9. […] Worst-Approval-Ratings-EVER: EMPEROR NERO (and CALIGULA too!) […]

  10. A. van Nerel says:

    Oh my god…imagine living in Caligula’s day, having spent all your money to get a front row seat on the very day Caligula wiped out the first five rows!…I think Alanis Morrissette should incorporate this into her famous song ‘Ironic’…

  11. […] The Roman Colosseum wasn’t just the greatest engineering feat of the Roman Empire, it’s still considered the largest amphitheater in the world! It was constructed during the Flavian dynasty between 70-96 CE under the Emperors: Vespasian, Titus, and Domitian. This colossal undertaking was built over the ruins of the psychotic Emperor Nero’s old palace, the Domus Aurea (which was built over the ruins of Rome itself, which Nero burned down). The Colosseum gained its name from the gigantic gold statue of Nero at its entrance. (Read more about NERO here!) […]

  12. […] a book. Don’t believe it? Buy it here! -It really sucks having a front row seat at an event when Caligula is emporer. -When you write a book and forget writing an entire chapter, that’s actually just a […]

  13. […] on the site. (see previous articles: History of the Holidays, Creation Myths, Gilgamesh, Ramses II, Emperor Nero, and the Council of […]

  14. […] 13. Out of nine presidents to run the United States, two are assassinated, one gets damaged beyond repair in a plane crash, one tries to kill himself, one gets fired and one resigns. The United States is kind of like the Roman Empire that way, where only two out of 147 emperors ever died of natural causes. […]

  15. bookmarked!!, I like your website!

  16. […] 13. Out of nine presidents to run the United States, two are assassinated, one gets damaged beyond repair in a plane crash, one tries to kill himself, one gets fired and one resigns. The United States is kind of like the Roman Empire that way, where only two out of 147 emperors ever died of natural causes. […]

  17. […] a book. Don’t believe it? Buy it here! -It really sucks having a front row seat at an event when Caligula is emporer. -When you write a book and forget writing an entire chapter, that’s actually just a […]

  18. […] Worst Approval Ratings Ever: EMPEROR NERO (and Caligula too!) […]

  19. […] covered on this blog), but perhaps none more vilified than King John of England (except for maybe the Roman Emperor Nero). After all, John was Robin Hood’s nemesis. But does he really deserve such a tarnished […]

  20. […] basically peace by force. Augustus was followed by a long line of psychopathic megalomaniacs like Caligula and Nero, eventually causing the decline of Rome, plummeting all of Europe into the Dark […]

  21. spencer says:

    great read, thanks.

    • Erik Slader says:

      You’re welcome! Thanks for reading. Let me know if there’s any topics you’d like to see in the future.

      Be sure to follow me: Facebook.com/EpikFails or on Twitter @EpikFailsdotcom

  22. Grizzly says:

    One party flips the bird to the uneawhsd masses, unwashed masses vote them out, the other party flips the bird to the unwashed masses, unwashed masses vote *them* out, rinse, repeat.

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